Hi guys, I'm back. I know I'm blogging sporadically nowadays and I would love to pull the wool over your eyes and impress you with talk of me being so productively busy, but that would be a big fat lie. In contrast, I have been supremely unproductively lazy.

It's picking up now. The good nerdy student within me can only be suppressed for so long. The panic, the anxiety, sort of accumulates until there inevitably comes one night I cannot sleep thinking about all the things I am slacking on. That night was yesterday, and today, while I skipped one class as I felt bad about leaving my mum all alone at home on her birthday (Happy Birthday Mummy!), I have started picking up the slack, so that's good.

So what have I been doing? Mainly... drifting in a world of my own. Movies, lots of movies. Connecting and reconnecting with friends. Time with my family, of course, and time with Hanafi too. Spending hours on end dreaming about the future, worrying about the future, planning for the future.

Yet there are times when the fear sets in. The fear of losing what I do have now. The fear of change. Of this point in my life actually being The Peak, and any step forward being a step away, downwards. The I-don't-know moments. The I'm-scared moments. But they pass, as they always do.

I think I've reached a balance. I'm at the point in my life where I'm clinging to and appreciating, savouring, every minute of the present. And at the same time, I'm hopeful and positive for the future, while still being okay with the slow speed at which it is approaching. I don't know if I'm making sense.

And I'm becoming broody, although I think it's a) temporary and b) more a reaction to me missing my baby nephew. Everywhere, friends and acquaintances are giving birth or about to give birth to adorable little babies whose cheeks I just want to pinch. And so many flashbacks of special moments with my baby nephew.

How he felt in my arms at 6 months, in the middle of the night when I carried him for hours, singing "Hush Little Baby" to soothe him back to sleep. His suspicious baby eyes staring up at me, wondering what I was trying to do rocking him soothingly and interrupting him in his quest to wake everyone up. How his trembling little body would soon relax and become slack as he drifted into dreamland. Or at 10 months when my arms became buff from holding his perpetually jumping little body. Or at 1 and a half year when he'd squash his face against mine to peer inquisitively into my mouth trying to figure out where my voice was coming from. His exaggerated coughs when I'd purposely attack him with morning breaths! Hahaha..

Really wish he was here in Singapore with us. =(

But, like I said, it's temporary. And insya Allah if I do get married to Hanafi, I would like it to be just the two of us for the first few years, because I'm selfish that way hehe.

Oklah will stop it with these random crazy talk and go back to work! Tata all.

Labels: future, hanafi random, school

Something happened in the MRT today that led to me forming a new rule for myself: Never, ever give up a seat to a woman who looks really pregnant but isn't wearing maternity wear. In this scenario, a false negative (you think the woman is not pregnant but she is) seems to be a better option than a false positive, although I know some might beg to differ.

So, there was this woman. I wasn't sitting in a priority seat, but the one next to it, and the two persons next to me were old with surly faces that clearly conveyed they had every intention of utilising their God-given.. or SMRT-given.. right to seats.

Her stomach definitely looked pregnant. It wasn't a fat person stomach with fats distributed evenly, it was a pregnant stomach with a bump. However, she was wearing three-quarter denims and really didn't look pregnant other than the stomach. This disparity required me to do a meta-analysis. I took into account the size of her head, the size of her arms, the size of her butt and the size of her legs. They weren't that fat and were disproportionately thin compared to her stomach. So.. probably pregnant.

I briefly considered pretending to fall asleep to escape the age-old what-if-I-give-up-my-seat-and-she-isn't-really-pregnant-but-what-if-i-don't-and-she-really-is-pregnant dilemma. But I have never done tt before in my life and probably wouldn't be able to live with myself if I started it now. So, I stood up and shot her a you're-welcome-to-take-my-seat smile.

She ignores my smile, stares stonily at me for a brief moment, looks away and edges to another side looking really pissed. Leaving me, of course, looking like a total idiot. Also leaving me, the socially conscious fool, with no choice but to get off at the next MRT station and wait for the next train, cos I felt like everyone else in the carriage was smirking at me.

No good deeds go unpunished.

On to other things. I am currently taking a class in Abnormal Psychology which I am loving. It's a class that teaches you about mental illnesses and disorders. It's very interesting and informative.

You know, I had a dream not so long ago of being a clinical psychologist. I even wanted to apply to work at IMH after graduation. I really thank my lucky stars that I did not, cos I would not have been able to endure it. I had these grandiose notions of being that calm, smiling, knowledgeable psychologist you see in the movies with the big office and leather sofas, talking people through their problems and guiding them to see the light. But I forgot to take into account my comfort level with mentally-ill and disabled people, which to be honest, is not very high. This was reinforced by my recent visit to the paediatric ward of a community hospital. I was looking into the possibility of volunteering there, but I realised I just wasn't comfortable cos some of the children were mentally and / or physically disabled, and it turns out that that's something I have to work on. Insya Allah, as I grow older and wiser and experience more of life, I will overcome this discomfort.

Anyway, I have really come to embrace my future as a teacher, although I realise I must take care not to over-psych myself. Even the best of things can turn out to be a disappointment if you have too-high expectations.

Tomorrow, I will be going to MOE in the morning to confirm my appointment. I pray that this is the right decision and that everything will turn out good. =)

Labels: fiascos, future, teaching, work

Anyway, other than the doom and gloom stuff:

Yesterday I restarted tuition. To be honest, I was actually very reluctant because giving tuition last year left me literally drained. I wanted to recharge and be tuition-free this last semester before going into NIE. In addition, this particular student, while smart, requires extra handling and I didn't know if I had the time or energy or will to do so.

But, all it took was just sitting down with him with his notes, my pencil box and rough paper, and the lesson just took off. Everything just fell smoothly into place. At the end of the lesson, not only had I covered more than his Econs lecturer in school, he told me that he understood me way better too. And this is a male student who isn't prone to giving empty compliments, so I was really really pleased.

When I got back, I suddenly felt motivated to go back to my old livejournal, the one I regularly wrote in during my 8 months of relief teaching. It really eased my heart to see that this whole wanting-to-go-into-teaching thing is not just another case of me simply talking myself into liking something and believing I'd be good at it. I really did it kinda well.

I read my posts about the feedback that my supervisors gave me, the feedback that my students gave me, my own reflections throughout that period... Even read about some of the difficult days as well as the comments that some of my friends regularly left.. And at the end of it all, I see that this is where I'm meant to go. I was always meant to do this. It is literally a calling, because I have so many paths I can take, so many paths other people want me to take, and yet this is the one I embrace.

I know I will have hard days, hard moments, when my enthusiasm and energy will die out. I know I will have some conflict, with students, with colleagues, with supervisors. I know my hand will want to fall off from marking compos, and I know some students will disappoint and disillusion me.

But I also know that when you love something, you stick at it despite the hard times, and at the end of the day, it will be a source of happiness and satisfaction.

I really hope that five years from now, ten years from now, I can look back on this post and, at the very worst, not be scoffing, or, at the very best, still feel the exact same thing I feel now.

Labels: teaching

Not having a very good couple of days. Facing alot of stress from here, there everywhere. Ironically, the only thing that's been stress-free thus far is school.

But that could be due to the fact that, quite frankly, I have tuned out with regards to school. I'm not sure why. It could be because I'm only doing 4 modules this term and have alot of free time, so my brain just gets into the spacey mode and stays there. It could be because I've already kinda sorta yes secured a job. This is a very bad mentality, I know, as my ultimate GP does have an effect on my salary and also on my prospects for future studies. In all honesty, I think it's just due to the fact that it's still the first few weeks of school and when need be, I'll put my game face on.

I've been sick with some stomach problems, and doctor has diagnosed the trigger as stress. Clever doctor. I've never felt so inundated with stress as I've been the past month. Family, relationship, future... everything seems to be conspiring against me. And the stress comes hand-in-hand with loneliness. My parents are just being super irritating, Hanafi is being super-absorbed in his precious friends and precious work, and my friends, well understandably, they're busy with their own lives.

I can't wait to start NIE and then teaching. It's like, a new chapter. I hope I make great friends and form a life outside of my family and relationship that is more happening than it is now. Ultimately, I'm a domestic home-and-hearth kinda girl, preferring to spend time at home with my family or with Hanafi, of course with the few enjoyable meet-ups with friends here and there. But sometimes I look at my life and it feels so pathetic in contrast with friends who have meet-ups almost everyday and seem to be having a whale of a time.I feel like I'm missing out, and I feel like I'm in danger of being too dependent on family and boyfriend. Which is a danger because these, to be frank, are the two greatest sources of stress and drama in my life. I'm not saying it's always stress and drama, it's just cos they are the two main parties around which my life revolves, so whatever stress and drama in my life, in terms of percentages, tend to come from them.

I know life will get better, it always does. But honestly, there are some days when I just wanna wallow and these few days have definitely been those kind of days.

Labels: bad mood

So, I've decided to go for teaching. =)

I'm happy about it, although I am still rather in trepidation of the initial reaction of my extended family. I don't really care much about what they say behind my back. It's the direct confrontations that bother me. As I've mentioned previously, I'm not good with confrontations. I stutter, my stomach drops and I feel like I've got diarrhoea, sometimes my hands start shaking and most of the times, I spend the whole night after that stewing over all the clever things I should have said but didn't. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you wouldn't have guessed such things of me, right? I confided once to a friend about my reaction to confrontations and she looked at me in surprise and said "Really?! You??".

My career plans are there, of course.
a) Teaching - Masters - MOE Specialist route,
b) Teaching - Professional Development - Become a HOD or even better (hey one can dream right?) route,
c) Teaching - Masters -Teach abit more before becoming a lecturer route.

So long as it's not Teach - Get married get kids get lazy and never do anything else but passively stay in one place, I'm cool.

I'll explain my decision in just a few sentences: I like teaching. I like interacting, guiding and imparting knowledge to youths. It challenges me and, yet, it is manageable. I believe I'm good at it. In addition, I'm someone who works to live, not someone who lives to work. And enjoying my career is a bonus, which brings me back to the first point, I like teaching.

And there you have it.

Labels: future, teaching, work

I love my parents. I do. But sometimes I look at them, especially my mum, and I see some traits which I hope I never ever ever inherit. In that way, Hanafi is good for me. When I'm in the midst of exhibiting one of these traits, he calmly points out to me I'm doing exactly what I don't like my parents to do, and it stops me in my tracks and makes me goes "hmm".

Is this harsh? Well, it's reality. I bet all you daughters out there live this reality too. I mean, there are obviously traits I hope I do inherit. Like my mum's ability to talk to anyone, her sparkling pealing laughter, her WONDERFUL cooking, her ability for compassion. Or my dad's really tireless, hardworking nature, his thriftiness and smart planning, his inability to procrastinate, his love for punctuality, his ability to multi-task, his ability to do absolutely anything and everything for the sake of his family, his ability to just make things work out and happen.

But one thing I hope never ever to inherit is encapsulated in the following refraint which I have heard a gazawazahoozalazabillion times - "Malu lah. Later people will say... (insert derogatory comment)."

I know, to a certain extent, I have unfortunately inherited it already. Like, look at my conundrum about whether to teach or not. I like to teach. I want to teach. I know I will do well as a teacher. But, what will other people who have higher expectations of me say / think? Luckily I have realised just in the nick of time that this kind of thinking is a genetic curse which I should break. And I'm going to do it, teaching, because I WANT to do it. Heck cares what other people say, cos if they love me, they'll stick by me anyway, and if they have bad intentions, they'll find some fault with me anyway. But this topic, my decision to teach, will be for another entry.

Anyway, I'm in the midst of planning some stuff and making some decisions in which what I want is clashing with what my parents what... or rather, what they think other people will say / react to what I want. And that has shone very clearly a light on this disgusting paradigm of caring too much about what other people think.

If you care about what other people think, you become paralysed and indecisive. And that's not what I want for myself, nor do I ever want to subject the people around me to that as well, for example Hanafi or my future kids. So it's time to change.

As mentioned, I'm in the midst of some stuff, and there's a clash with my parents that revolves around this particular topic. However, I am not one for confrontation, and additionally, I believe my parents are abit too set in their ways to change. So what I'm going to do is to use my own resources to do what I wanna do, and in the end, I am confident everything is going to turn out fantastic.

Labels: bad mood, family

I'm having a really hard time dealing, especially with Hanafi's work decision. I just spent the last hour sobbing my eyes out and I just feel like it's the beginning of the end. I don't know.